Of Duty, Of Trust
by JaerWolfe
Summary: There are many post-Horizon Shenko fics. This is mine.


A/N: Thank you for the positive feedback I've had with my humor stories. It is very much appreciated and I am grateful. In fair warning, this story, while containing humor in parts, is more of a serious mind set.

* * *

**Kaidan Alenko**  
SSV El Paso  
en route to the Citadel

_Trust._

He mused over the word as he carefully began cleaning his weapon. Firing at the Seeker Swarms earlier had done its usual job gumming up the works and he'd learned…the hard way, of course, when he was much younger…that a poorly cleaned weapon would jam at the most inconvenient time and biotics couldn't save you if you were too tired to use them.

Did she trust him enough to hear what he hadn't said? What he couldn't say. Did she trust him enough to wonder why he would act the way he had?

Two years had passed with him thinking her dead but she'd only been awake weeks at best.

Would she trust that in those two years nothing…_nothing_…had changed the way he felt about her? While everything had changed.

She'd looked so hurt. The flash of it across her face, quickly hidden as if she'd learned how to mask her weaknesses even more skillfully than before. He'd almost caved, then. Almost thrown himself to his knees begging forgiveness for what he had to do. What duty demanded of him.

Hell, the smell of her had nearly had him tossing all of his responsibility to the wind. Holding her, feeling the changes in her body that her armor couldn't hide behind bulk, smelling the sharp tang of spent thermal clips that clung to her with the tenacity of an expensive perfume, he'd wanted nothing more than to thank whoever had returned her.

Except that Cerberus had been the one to return her.

They'd wondered what project Cerberus was funneling such incredible amounts of credits into. They'd even stationed someone on the inside to feed them information and what had been learned became a carefully guarded secret for the higher ups.

Kaidan felt the anger flash blue biotic sparks across his eyes before he tamped it down with the familiarity of a life time of practice.

Anderson had betrayed him. Both by not telling him who the project was on and by not letting him find her the instant the mole had reported that she was starting to wake.

Had Anderson ever really believed that Cerberus was working with the Collectors in exchange for advanced tech or had it been a convenient lie to keep Kaidan's attention elsewhere? Who did he trust?

Damn them all for manipulating him to the point that even now he couldn't go to her, couldn't demand to return to his place at her back where he could protect her.

And while he was damning people, damn Kaidan Alenko for not being sure if that was where he wanted to be anymore.

He'd thought she was dead for two years. For two years the only thing that had mattered was duty. Not duty to Shepard…she was dead, what did she care about duty? Duty to the Alliance? Maybe in the beginning. Before the lies. Before the manipulation.

No, his duty had been Shepard's duty. Protect the people, whatever species. She'd died on the front line of that duty and Kaidan was too honest with himself to believe he hadn't hoped for the same fate. Oh, he'd done his damnedest to finish his missions. To get the information needed. To execute the ones who were too dangerous to allow to live. To stop the experiments that were getting innocents killed…or worse.

He was damn good at his job…his _duty_.

Horizon had been another mission. Yeah, do what he could to give the colony a first line of defense against whoever came against them. Battarian slavers, pirate guilds. Reapers. Collectors. Whoever. While doing it, find out what the Collector's agenda for the colony was. See if someone wasn't feeding them inside information. Cerberus, maybe, for who knew what reasons.

What a crock.

Kaidan began reassembling his weapon with the methodical deliberation that had earned him his current status…classified as it was.

With hindsight…with the information he'd learned from footage of the colony attack and various other sources…Kaidan had to wonder if Horizon wouldn't still be intact and untouched if he had never stepped a foot on the planet's surface. If one third of the husbands, wives, sons, daughters, mothers and fathers would be home now with their loved ones if one Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko had never come into their lives with the best of his intentions and the worst of the enemies.

"Let it go, Alenko." He muttered softly to himself. Those thoughts were self destructive and he had a mission to finish.

Once it was finished, he would go to her. She needed someone she could trust at her side…especially if her resurrection by Cerberus was the Devil's deal he knew it had to be.

Another snort of derision, a curl of his mouth in sardonic bitterness.

Two years he had mourned her. Two years she had been dead. Two years in which he had learned not to be content with being Shepard's Shadow. Two years that he had damned the wasted time he'd adhered to rules and fraternization regs rather than revel in every moment near her, touching her. Smelling her. Tasting her.

"Let it go, Alenko. There be dragons."

He had learned the hard way to cast away the sweet pain of his memories of her on their way to Ilos. Of the victory celebration the two of them had had after taking back the Citadel when they'd been injured and too determined to enjoy still being alive to care about the pain. Other memories…who said those interminably long rides in the elevator had been a bad thing when it was just him and Shepard, alone? The plans they'd made. The leave they had scheduled.

The memorial service he had attended.

The fucking flag draped over her empty coffin he hadn't been given because those who knew about them knew to keep it quiet.

"Alenko." Sucking in a deep breath, he moved his thoughts away from the grief, away from those hazy days he'd spent in a shell shock of agony and loneliness.

He wondered if that was the reason Anderson had approached him…because Kaidan had been barely holding it together. Joker, Chakwas, Garrus, Tali…no one had been able to reach him. Although, to be honest, Wrex had come the closest with his _'Shepard's dead. Crying about it like a little girl is just going to piss me off. Keep it up and we'll settle whose biotics are better once and for all.'_

Liara had disappeared and slowly, the others who had been held together by Shepard's glue had drifted apart. With regret, Kaidan was sure, but it had also been survival. It wasn't easy to be around those who reminded you of a woman who'd been so larger than life that she should have been immune to death.

A wry smile kicked up one corner of Kaidan's mouth as he considered that. Maybe Shepard was immune after all.

His weapon reassembled, fresh clips loaded, Kaidan set it aside and reached for his armor.

The colony at Horizon had almost been completely lost, he'd nearly been taken with it. The Council needed to know that their armor improvements that had worked so spectacularly in the lab were all but useless in the field. The Seekers had penetrated his armor and only his own biotics had prevented more of their paralyzing toxin from getting into his system. By the time he'd shaken it off, half the colony had been loaded into pods and he was playing a dangerous game of hide and seek to keep from joining them.

He wanted to talk to her. Let her know, somehow, that duty was the only thing that was keeping him from joining her. Cerberus had to think that he…the Alliance, the Council…had turned their back on Shepard. That they didn't trust her. Hell, Udina had never trusted her. It'd been mutual that way, Kaidan mused with another sardonic smile.

Because there was not one doubt in Kaidan's mind that Shepard was doing what she thought was best…what was necessary. He did know her. He did know that she would do everything she possibly could to stop the Armageddon heading the Universe's way.

She was doing her duty.

* * *

**Commander Shepard**  
Normandy SR-2  
Departing Horizon

He had turned his back on her!

Shepard waited until the door cycled closed to her cabin before allowing her careful mask of indifference to shatter into confusing splinters of shock/grief/anger/confusion.

He had turned his back on her and _walked away_.

She had stared at him, not comprehending, he'd turned back once and then walked away from her. From them. From…whatever it was they'd had.

Fingers scrubbing over her face, Shepard glanced over at her tanks and let loose a stream of profanity only a career in the Alliance could breed and nourish with such fervor and dedication. The damn fish had committed suicide. AGAIN.

Why the hell did she bother?

Punching the console to suck the limp bodies to their recycled afterlife, she couldn't help but find a parallel between the dead fish and her love life.

He wouldn't even let her talk! Explain! Anything!

Things had started so well, too!

Shepard resisted flinging her armor across the room…with the way her day was going she'd accidentally set off an ammo pack and punch a hole in the bulkhead. She'd already tried breathing in space and it hadn't worked so well. Now, for some reason, she wasn't so eager to see if she'd be more successful at it during a second attempt.

A sly smile touched her lips as she considered the Illusive Man's reaction to that report. _Sorry, boss, your 4 billion plus cred science project got in a fight with her boyfriend and accidentally sucked herself into space again._ Said with an Earth-Aussie accent, of course.

The pain streaked through her, chasing into extinction her attempt to pretend he hadn't hurt her. Hadn't blindsided her. Hadn't _walked away_ from her.

Armor sealed into its compartment, she paced to her bed and flopped backwards uncaring that any bugs and monitors that had been planted while she was planet-side this time were catching a beautiful shot of her in snug femboxers and a tight tee. TIM had had her naked and unconscious for two years while they reconstructed her so anything he saw now would be old news.

Another run of her fingers over her face…she still wasn't used to missing the scar that had been there half her life…and Shepard let out a scream of frustrated rage.

"Commander, is all well…" EDI's voice came from the console on the desk rather than her platform near the fish tank of death.

"What have I told you about monitoring me in my private quarters, EDI?" Shepard couldn't even muster up the energy to be properly pissed. Maybe later after she'd sent an EMP wave through the AI Core.

"I cannot monitor you, Commander. My platform has mysteriously malfunctioned in your room once again."

"Weird how that keeps happening." Shepard answered with dry humor, her eyes flickering to where she'd hidden her sonic screwdriver that she used to sabotage the platform every time EDI had it repaired. Yep. Still shoved up model Sovereign's ass and what a satisfactory hiding place that was. Served the dead bastard right after he'd essentially given her the finger after blowing up on the Citadel. Nearly killed her with it, too.

She no longer had that scar either, which was really too bad because Kaidan had loved running his tongue…

"EDI, get the hell out of my cabin. Now." Shepard covered her eyes with her hands.

Why? Why, dammit? Why walk away from her? She'd been so certain, so sure that if she let him in he would be the one who didn't walk away. The one who didn't die on her or abandon her. He had been so steady, so constant. He'd been there for her.

So what if it had been two years for him! So what if they had never pledged anything to each other, too caught up in the wonderful opening acts of their relationship to need a commitment, too caught up basking in the glory of her victory over that bastard Saren and his puppet master. Too busy being pissed that the Council was focused too much on reconstruction and not enough on finding a way to defeat the coming Reapers.

The Council, hah. What a useless bunch that was.

Shepard idly wondered if she would have instructed Fifth Fleet to ignore the Destiny Ascension and let the Council die had Kaidan, the staff by which she'd measured so many of her moral decisions, not been standing behind her. Human lives had been lost saving the Council…almost three thousand. Eight ships. For a Council she'd hung up on every time they got holier-than-thou with her in mission debriefs.

The question wouldn't scare her so badly if not for the reflection of how she was now behaving since her awakening. Violence to get information she needed. Ends justifying the means. No quiet presence conveying the wonderfully consistent dichotomy of support and silent reprimand was making her think twice about her actions.

Gah, sometimes Kaidan had come across as so sanctimonious when he felt she was starting to 'cut corners'. She'd often asked herself resentfully after those particular episodes if she looked like a frickin' Turian with a bad attitude to him.

Unwelcome humor bubbled from her lips. Well, maybe. At certain times of the month. Geth had certainly had high casualty numbers then. PMS might have been the very weapon that prevented Sovereign from taking over the known universe.

And dammit, no! She was not crying! She would not give that bastard with the waaaay too fine ass that had walked away from her the satisfaction of having cried over him. She was better than that. Hell, she could have any man/turian/creepily cheerful Yeoman on the ship if she wanted. Toss in a Drell and she'd have him weeping for her in no time. Vorcha, Battarian and Krogan need not apply. No way was she going to be that politically correct to try and prove she wasn't a xenophobic. Maybe she'd ask Chambers. That one was sure to have figured out a way. Tried it, too.

_Kaidan walked away!_

What the hell had the past two years done to him that he wouldn't even talk to her? The Kaidan she had known would have been more than willing to listen. To talk it out. That was one of the things she lo…liked about him. Counted on him for, in fact, as a commander and as a woman. That thoughtful deliberation that had him considering all options and figuring a variety of possibilities. So he could leave himself a way out.

She gave a bitter laugh. Maybe that was all this was…a way for him to bow out. Two years had passed. Maybe…maybe there was a Mrs Alenko now. Two years was a long time. She really shouldn't hold it against him if he'd moved on and found himself some simpering little wussy petite blonde who probably knew more about playing with dolls than weapons.

"Fuck that." She hissed narrowing her eyes as she stared up at the ceiling.

So what if it had been two years for him? It had been last week for her! She remembered getting bored in the stupid elevator going down to the hold of the Normandy and Kaidan's fine ass standing almost at attention next to her, begging her to grab what she could. It had been a game both of them had loved playing. See who could make the other the hottest right before they had to speak with any of the crew…or even the Council…or Anderson. Oh and definitely Udina. See if any of them could guess where clothes/hands/mouths had been moments before.

She remembered his lover's touch like it was yesterday…not that nice platonic hug he'd given her on Horizon. She remembered his mouth slightly swollen because, dayaaam, but the man knew how to use those lips on her. She remembered his calloused hands and the way he'd used them to explore her body, doing his best to make his usually unflappable and contained commander come apart at the seams. All that methodical, careful studying he did of her he used so effectively, winning their little contests more often than not.

Was he doing that for someone else?

No. She refused. She would not go there. Not until he told her himself that he had found someone else. If that happened she would react in a calm, understanding manner and not pull her Widow Maker out and start looking for visual confirmation of targets.

It was about trust, wasn't it? It was about understanding that she had slept through two years of his life.

Besides, he'd hugged her and taken a long deep breath. Her eyes narrowed again…yes, he had smelled her. She remembered hearing the almost silent inhalation, the rise of his armored chest against her own. She hadn't thought anything of it at the time because…well, Kaidan liked the way she smelled. How many times had he pressed her up against the bulkhead and taken a deep breath and moved away before anyone noticed?

She'd asked him once about it, after Ilos. After the Citadel. In one of their down times that they'd had so few of. Why he liked to smell her. She didn't wear perfume…hello, what better way to let an enemy know your position than to smell like a non-indigenous plant…even her shampoo and body washes were neutral at best in the scent department. He'd said she smelled like the woman he loved which had led to a rather sappy...but very physically satisfying…interlude between them.

Kaidan didn't love carelessly and he didn't play around.

Then _why_? Why not join her? She was on ship built by a group she detested, surrounded by people whom she didn't trust and given command of a mission she didn't think she would survive…

Her gut clenched so hard she actually wrapped her arms about her waist in reaction.

Gods, she could die. Everyone with her could die.

She didn't want Kaidan anywhere near her.

Better he think her a traitor. Better he think she was working with Cerberus because she wanted to. So long as he stayed far away, stayed safe, stayed _alive_…then she would accept matters as they were cheerfully.

Maybe it was better this way, that he had walked away.

Besides, he had to report to the Citadel and maybe the Council would surprise her and actually do something…wait a minute.

Since when did Staff Lieutenant …'scuze me, Staff _Commander_… Kaidan Alenko report to the Citadel, to Anderson and not through the rank and file command? Why would Anderson…who had told her Kaidan was on a covert mission that he wouldn't give the details about…why would he send someone of Kaidan's rank and position? Why would _Kaidan_ be on a covert mission at all?

Closing her eyes, Shepard dredged up a memory of one of her early conversations with Timmy…she'd asked about her crew, her people. About Kaidan. Saved his name for last, dreading the answer as much as she longed for it. Timmy had said something about Kaidan's file… 'surprisingly well classified.' As if it mystified him that he hadn't been able to get that information.

Why would a Staff Commander's file be 'surprisingly well classified'? Why would _Kaidan's_ file be 'surprisingly well classified'? Not for that Conatix screw up at Brain Camp…the corporation no longer existed and the incident years ago. In the wake of the attack on the Citadel, the human lives spent to save the Council, no one would care past a fifteen minute lead story on the extranet. Humans had proven themselves.

"Shit." Shepard sat up, the answer stinging her with its obviousness. "Shit!"

A covert mission…by himself…on the fringes of the Terminous system where the Alliance, the Council, had no legal standing and every reason to want some sort of presence to find out what was going on. Find out what Cerberus was up to. All without having to show they were getting involved.

She might have been the first human Spectre but there was no way in Hell Udina would have allowed her to be the last.

Gods, it made sense. Kaidan would be perfect as a Spectre. Oh, not the flashy, cross me if you dare, clear a path before me as I walk among you, kind of Spectre that she and Saren had been. Kaidan was more like Nihlus, the Spectre Saren had murdered on Eden Prime. The kind that slipped under the radar and got the job done and got out before anyone knew they were there.

The dangerous kind that you didn't see coming until it was too late.

They…the Council, Anderson, Udina…all of them could easily have given the status to Kaidan based on the work he'd done on Ilos. On the Citadel as they fought their way to Saren.

She had to go to him.

Shepard surged from the bed, heading for her armor compartment, her mind already scrambling to figure out where Kaidan might be.

She had to watch his back…he didn't have any back up, not that she had seen and he would need her at his side if he was going up against Timmy and the Collectors…

Another scream of rage poured out of her. She slammed her armor against the far wall, some part of her mind noting that it did not blow a hole in the bulk head as she'd predicted.

"Commander Shepard, are you…" EDI's voice from the console began to garble as Shepard took one of her ass kicking combat boots and began smashing the plasteel into small pieces.

She couldn't go. She had to stop the Collectors from taking more human colonies. She had a suicide mission she was preparing for. Recruiting for.

She had to let Kaidan walk away. Alone.

The console blurred into a teary stream as she continued to hammer at it, a low keening growl coming from her throat.

Dammit, the first thoughts she could remember upon waking up had been for Kaidan. Okay, that and why the hell was she not in armor in the middle of a firefight and where was her gun? But the one constant thought through those confusing, reality shifting first hours after they had awoken her had been Kaidan. Where was he/how did she get to him/did he think she was dead?

She had promised herself that as soon as she could she would find him, go to him. Be with him.

Now fucking duty meant she had a mission she had to accomplish first.

One she might not survive. The way she hadn't survived the attack on the first Normandy, she admitted to herself for the first time sinking to her knees next to the desk, head bowed over, tears soaking her tee.

He'd asked her to be careful…

"Kaidan, you damn idiot." She muttered knowing he'd laugh if he could hear her. Ask her if that was her special way of telling him she loved him.

She allowed herself a moment more for tears, for grief, for loneliness, then lifted her chin, eyes going to the picture on the desk as she wiped her cheeks with her fingers. She gracefully rose to her feet, shoulders back, head tilted to the side with her old cocky style.

"To duty, Kaidan." She gave a nod of her head and turned on her heel and entered the shower.


End file.
